Let me start by saying this is NOT an April fools day joke.
I swear this actually happened.
I wish it didn’t, but if wishes were horses, we’d be selling them to British supermarkets.
I get the feeling that since I decided to start the whole “What she wore” segment on here (which I’m sure you’ll agree has gone spectacularly well), I may not be vetting potential dates as stringently as I might have in the past.
I promised myself at the start that I would continue to be unrealistically picky, and not just start going on dates with anyone just for the sake of collecting data for the next post.
I think I may have slightly broken that promise, Occasional Reader.
The things I do for you lot.
I’m quite wonderful, when you really think about it.
Anyway.
I started talking to another member of the female online dating community recently, and before long we had agreed to meet for a date at a local tapas bar.
She was there when I arrived, which was a wonderful start, if you know my obsession with being on time.
I thought she was dressed nicely enough and decided immediately that before I forgot, I would ask to take a photo for the blog before the night began.
Happily enough, she agreed!
My first official “What she wore” photo!
This of course was a great start to a date, because it led to a whole conversation starter about the blog, fashion, and me in general. If there’s anything I like talking about more than anything, it’s me in general, so this was going well.
Until she started drinking.
She was on her second drink before I had even taken my first sip.
I figured she was either finding the evening quite humid and needed a cool drink, or she was planning to sleep with me and wanted to get as plastered as possible to suitably lower her standards.
I’m nothing if not accommodating, so I was fine with either reason.
I was getting a little low on my cosmo and asked the waiter for a refill, and turned to her to see if she wanted another as well, or would she prefer an intravenous drip set up.
She ordered another, and decided the best way to start on the third drink when it was fresh, was to chug the remainder of her current drink all at once.
Not quite ladylike behaviour for a restaurant, but then she made it worse by sitting back and letting out a burp!
I looked at her incredulously and asked “Really?”
She offered a half hearted apology, which I suspect was not genuine, and continued the conversation.
This may have put me on a heightened state of alert, because as the conversation continued, I noticed her lean almost imperceptibly to her side for a moment, then sit straight back up.
This might have gone uncommented on, but then I smelled it.
That’s right, Occasional Reader. I bloody well smelled it!
I stopped her mid sentence and asked her in a surprisingly restrained and calm voice “Did you just fart?”
She replied with a small shrug and looking at me like it was the most normal thing in the world, “Yep.”
She almost stunned me into silence!
Almost.
“But you’re in a restaurant!”
“So? Nobody noticed or seems to care.”
“I f*&king do!” I exclaimed, pointing at my almost apoplectic face with both hands to prove my point.
She giggled briefly, then continued on our original conversation!
I had nothing.
No comeback.
No argument.
I was shocked into submission.
I don’t remember much more of the date, as I was in a bit of a daze for the remainder of it.
My brain had decided it was too hard to work this one out, so had gone out for a while.
This left my penis in charge which could have been trouble, but even he had decided that this one was too unpredictably dangerous.
We finished our meal and drinks, said our goodbyes with vague promises of catching up again, and went our separate ways.
I walked slowly back to the car, thinking that maybe I should tighten up my requirements for a first date from here on in, or stop dating altogether.
I lowered myself into the driver’s seat, and let out the biggest and longest fart you’ve ever heard in your life.
Phew! I had been holding that thing in all night!
What she wore:
Dress – I have no idea, but I bet it didn’t smell very good.
